So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and
either slit is observed,it will not go through both slits.
If it’s unobserved,it will.
However,if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits
its target,it won’t have gone through both slits.
Agreed.What’s your point?
That’s no point, i just think it’s a good idea for a t-shit.
Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.
Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it
and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s
unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane
but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both
Leonard: Agreed, what’s your point?
Sheldon: There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a
Leonard: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Hang on.
Leonard: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across
is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen
across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
Sheldon: I think this is the place.
Receptionist: Fill these out.
Leonard: Thank-you. We’ll be right back.
Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle.
Men and Women Can Never Be Friends：
But there’s some poor woman who’s gonna pin her hopes on my sperm.
What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an
integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
(They sit and begin to fill in forms).
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way,
shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex
part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and
there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds
attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the
friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
If the height of a single step is off by as little as two
millimeters,most people will trip.
I did a series of experiments when i was 12,My father broke his
Is that why they sent you to a boarding school?
No. That was a result of my work with lasers.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.
Leonard: What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.
Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that
our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I
have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at
Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get
fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.
Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some
poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up
with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a
differential to solve the area under a curve.
Leonard: I’m sure she’ll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t.
Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?
Sheldon: I want to leave.
Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?
Leonard: I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm
Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.
Leonard: See you.
Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.
Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two
millimetres, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right.
Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve,
my father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard: New neighbour?
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.
Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she
Penny: Oh, hi!
Leonard: We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard: Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in
separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Penny: Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbour, Penny.
Leonard: Leonard, Sheldon.
Leonard: Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.
Penny: Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Leonard: Great. Well, bye.
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her
Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.
Leonard: I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and
Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.
Leonard: Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and
then you say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon: To what end?
Leonard: Hi. Again.
Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that
moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress,
that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is
a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon
is just one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a
luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel
Penny: Oh, you’re inviting me over to eat?
Leonard: Uh, yes.
Penny: Oh, that’s so nice, I’d love to.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Leonard: Okay, well, make yourself at home.
Penny: Okay, thankyou.
Leonard: You’re very welcome.
Penny: This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?
Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little
string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a
joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny: So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.
Penny: This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes.
Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind
of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT,
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I
sit broken hearted?”
Leonard: At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to
make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.
Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?
Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.
Penny: So, sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: What’s the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to
remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the
summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open
windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is
neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to
create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my
Penny: Do you want me to move?
Leonard: Just sit somewhere else.
Sheldon: Fine.?(Wanders in circles, looking lost.)
Leonard: Sheldon, sit!
Leonard: Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over.
Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the
Leonard: Yes I now, but…
Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the
Leonard: Yes, I remember.
Sheldon: I resent you saying we don’t have company.
Leonard: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication.
Leonard: I said I’m sorry.
Penny: So, Klingon boggle?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably
enough about us, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more
than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural
delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily
defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius
wouldn’t have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s
see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the
occasional steak, I love steak.
Sheldon: That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn.
Leonard: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?
Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You’re lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don’t eat it, I just think it’s a good idea.
Penny: Oh, anyways, I’m also writing a screenplay. It’s about this
sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress,
and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: So it’s based on your life?
Penny: No, I’m from Omaha.
Leonard: Well, if that was a movie I would go see it.
Penny: I know, right? Okay, let’s see, what else? Um, that’s about it.
That’s the story of Penny.
Leonard: Well it sounds wonderful.
Penny: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.
Sheldon?(mouths): What’s happening.
Leonard?(mouths back): I don’t know.
Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s
like as long as High School.
Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School?
Penny: I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.
Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.
Sheldon: You? No, you’ll only make it worse.
Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his
lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?
Leonard: No, it’s not crazy it’s, uh, uh, it’s a paradox. And paradoxes
are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light
is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along
comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles
too. Well, I didn’t make it worse.
Penny: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else
I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Leonard: It’s right down the hall.
Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes
off in our apartment.
Leonard: That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with
Alzheimer’s had that episode.
Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take
her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out.
Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.
Leonard: Well I’m not trying to have sex with her.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.
Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male
and she’s a female?
Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.
Leonard: I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying
to be a good neighbour.
Sheldon: Oh, of course.
Leonard: That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop
that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.
Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when
she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard: It’s Darth Vader shampoo.?(There is a knock on the door.)?Luke
Skywalker’s the conditioner.
Howard: Wait till you see this.
Raj: It’s fantastic. Unbelievable.
Leonard: See what?
Howard: It’s a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This is not a good time.
Howard: It’s before he became a creepy computer voice:.
Leonard: That’s great, you guys have to go.
Leonard: It’s just not a good time.
Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Howard: Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?
Leonard: No. And she’s not a lady, she’s just a new neighbour.
Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here?
Howard: And you want us out because you’re anticipating coitus?
Leonard: I’m not anticipating coitus.
Howard: So she’s available for coitus?
Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?
Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Penny: Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower.
Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!
Howard: Enchante Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of
Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it’s
currently orbiting Jupiter’s largest moon taking high-resolution digital
Penny: Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Come on, I’ll show you the trick with the shower.
Howard: Bon douche.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: It’s French for good shower. It’s a sentiment I can express in
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.
Scene: In the bathroom.
Leonard: Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I’m sorry.
Penny: Okay. Thanks.
Leonard: You’re welcome, oh, you’re going to step right, okay, I’ll….
Penny: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: The hair products are Sheldon’s.
Penny: Um, okay. Can I ask you a favour.
Leonard: A favour? Sure, you can ask me a favour, I would do you a
favour for you.
Penny: It’s okay if you say no.
Leonard: Oh, I’ll probably say yes.
Penny: It’s just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you’ve just met.
Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard’s car
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B.
We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the
aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence
is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey,
but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Leonard: That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to
Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz
try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her
Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon: No I don’t. And neither do you.
Leonard: Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North
Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less
complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her
ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid
having a scene with him.
Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?
Leonard: No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us
and one of him.
Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us can’t even carry a TV.
Scene: Back at the apartment.
Penny?(to Raj): So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the
(Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful).
Penny: Uh, I’m sorry, do you speak English?
Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just can’t speak to women.
Penny: Really, why?
Howard: He’s kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Scene: Outside Penny’s old apartment building.
Leonard?(pushes buzzer): I’ll do the talking.
Voice from buzzer: Yeah.
Leonard: Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Leonard: What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.
Voice: Get lost.
Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.
Leonard: We’re not going to give up just like that.
Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to
the building, ergo we are done.
Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I
never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory
in the aftermath of the big bang.
Sheldon: My apologies. What’s your plan.
(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.)
Sheldon: It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to
figure out how to get into a stupid building.
(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down
the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?
Leonard: Just grab the door.
Scene: Outside Penny’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment.
Leonard: This is it.?(Knocks.)?I’ll do the talking.
Sheldon: Good thinking, I’ll just be the muscle.
Enormous man: Yeah?
Leonard: I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon: From the intercom.
Man: How the hell did you get in the building?
Leonard: Oh. We’re scientists.
Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.
Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They
are not wearing trousers.
Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: You’re going to have to call her.
Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard’s building.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my
Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish
a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.
Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.
Leonard: Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m
done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and
then I’ll die alone.
Sheldon: Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, you’re a good friend.
Sheldon: And you’re certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.
Scene: Inside Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Howard: This is one of my favourite places to kick back after a quest,
they have a great house ale.
Penny: Wow, cool tiger.
Howard: Yeah, I’ve had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway,
if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a
Penny: Uh, sounds interesting.
Howard: So you’ll think about it?
Penny: Oh, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop thinking about it.
Leonard: We’re home.
Penny: Oh, my God, what happened?
Leonard: Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest
is fairly self-explanatory.
Penny: I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he
wouldn’t be such an ass.
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?
Penny: Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re
so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and
dinner is on me, okay?
Leonard: Really? Great.
Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
Scene: All five in Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny?
Sheldon: We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.
Sheldon: They’re both curry based cuisines.
Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going
to have to spell out everything for this girl.
Penny: Any ideas Raj??(He just looks at her with a worried
Howard: Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a
wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.
Penny: That sounds like fun.
Howard?(sings): Baby, baby don’t get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don’t
get hooked on me.
Sheldon: I don’t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as
far as the population of this car goes, you’re a veritable Mack Daddy.
Written by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady
Should we have invited her for lunch?
NO.We’re gonna start season two of battlestar galactica.
We already watched the season two dvds.
Not with commentary.
Sally: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I
had these days of the week
Harry: Ehhhh! I’m sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. “Days of the
Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they
were sort of funny. And then one
day Sheldon says to me, “You never wear Sunday.” It was all suspicious.
Where was Sunday? Where
had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn’t believe me.
Sally: They don’t make Sunday.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because of God.
I’m no expert,but i believe in the context of a luncheon invitation,you
might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
High maintenance and low maintenance：
Yeah,well,it’s just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory
doodling around the edges.
那部分 是我开的玩笑 讽刺下波恩-奥本海默近似
That part there,that’s just a joke.It’s a spoof of the born-oppenheimer
Sally: I’d like the chef salad please with oil and vinegar on the side,
and the apple pie a la mode.
Waitress: Chef and apple a la mode.
Sally: But I’d like the pie heated, and I don’t want the ice cream on
top. I want it on the side, and I’d like strawberry instead of vanilla
if you have it. If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only
if it’s real. If it’s out of the can, then nothing.
Waitress: Not even the pie?
Sally: No, just the pie, but then not heated.
If by “holy smokes”,you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of
stuff.You can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at
Yes.it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that
the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined
constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your
Harry: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in
love and that is wonderful! But you gotta know that sooner or later
you’re gonna be screaming at each other about who’s gonna get this dish.
This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls
to the legal firm of That’s Mine, This Is Yours.
Harry: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your
name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won’t know
whose is whose. ‘Cause someday, believe it or not, you’ll go 15 rounds
over who’s gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy
Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE!
Jess: I thought you liked it!?
Harry: I was being nice!
Point taken.It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her
clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip out eyes out.
Basic nightmare date of your ex：
Excuse me , if i were to give up on the first little hitch,i never would
have identified the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of
the big bang.
Sally: Is Harry bringing anybody to the wedding?
Marie: I don’t think so.
Sally: Is he seeing anybody?
Marie: He was seeing this anthropologist, but…
Sally: What’s she look like?
Marie: Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.
365bet手机娱乐场，Getting Back Together：
Sally: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that,
and you make it impossible for me to hate you!
Harry: Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges
are watching. I’d nailed the compulsaries, so this is it, the finals. I
got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my
mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been
Harry: You know, I have a theory that heirogliphics are just an ancient
comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.
Harry Burns: And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend you dont
even keep in touch with?
Sally Albright: Harry, you might not believe this, but I never
considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
Should you take your significant other to the airport?
Harry Burns: You take someone to the airport, its clearly the beginning
of the relationship. Thats why I have never taken anyone to the airport
at the beginning of a relationship.
Sally Albright: Why?
Harry Burns: Because eventually things move on and you dont take someone
to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, How come you
never take me to the airport anymore?
Sally Albright: Its amazing. You look like a normal person but actually
you are the angel of death.
Can women and men be friends? Take Two
Harry: Would you like to have dinner? …Just friends.
Sally: I thought you didn’t believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No, no, no, I never said that. …Yes, that’s right, they can’t
be friends. Unless both of them are
involved with other people, then they can. …This is an amendment to
the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure
of possible involvement is lifted. …That doesn’t work either, because
what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand
why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with.
Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do
you have to go outside to get it? And when you say “No, no, no it’s not
true, nothing is missing from the relationship,” the person you’re
involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person
you’re just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who
the hell are we kidding, let’s face it. Which brings us back to the
earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can’t be
High maintenance and low maintenance, take two
Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns:You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance but you think
you’re low maintenance.
Sally Albright: You know, I’m so glad I never got involved with you. I
just would have ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed
and leave at 3:00 in the morning and go clean your andirons, and you
dont even have a fireplace, not that I would know this.
[Harry and Sally discussing orgasms]
Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven’t faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. You’re a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never
happened to them and all women at one
time or other have done it so you do the math.
Rest of your life：
Harry Burns:I came here tonight because when you realize you want to
spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your
life to start as soon as possible.
Harry: Shel? Sheldon? No. You did not have great sex with Sheldon.
Sally: I did too.
Harry: No. A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal,
Sheldon’s your man. But humping and pumping are not Sheldon’s strong
suits. It’s the name. Do it to me, Sheldon. You’re an animal, Sheldon.
Ride me, big Sheldon. It doesn’t work.
Sally: Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
Harry: That’s what drew her to me.
Sally: Your dark side?
Harry: Sure. Why? Don’t you have a dark side? I know, you’re probably
one of those cheerful people
who dot their “i’s” with little hearts.
Sally: I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
Harry: Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first.
That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my
friend, is a dark side.
Marie: All I’m saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are
supposed to marry. And if you don’t get him first, somebody else will,
and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody
else is married to your husband
Harry: You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally: Is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?
Sally: Who is the dog?
Harry: You are.
Sally: I am? I am the dog? I am the dog?
Jess: You made a woman meow?
Dating a married man：
Marie: The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife.
I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave her.
Sally: No one thinks he’s ever gonna leave her.
Marie: You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.
Harry Burns: The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe that
(a) You’re not home, (b) You’re home but you don’t want to talk to me,
or (c) You’re home, desperately want to talk to me, but you’re trapped
under something heavy. If it’s either (a) or (c), please give me a
“I love you”：
Harry:I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Harry: I love you.
Sally: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry: How about, ‘You love me too’?
Sally: How about, ‘I’m leaving.’
Harry: Doesn’t what I’ve said mean anything to you?
Sally: I’m sorry Harry, I know it’s New Year’s Eve, I know you’re
feeling lonely, but you can’t just show up here, tell me you love me and
expect everything to be all right. It doesn’t work that way.
Harry: Well how does it work?
Sally: I don’t know, but not this way. (Walking away)
Harry: Well how about this way. I love that you get cold when it’s 71
degrees out, I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a
sandwich, I love when you get a little crinkle above your nose when
you’re looking at me like I’m nuts, I love that after I’ve spent the day
with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that
you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s
Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the
rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin
as soon as possible.